The original and worst. The story of the only Eskimo in Bomber Command, and you can guess exactly what sort of a tale that makes. Atrocious acting coupled with lousy special effects and a shag scene on top of a zeppelin should at least give the chance of a heartless cackle or two, but the overall effect is excruciating. The second nail in the coffin of pretentious director Vincent Ward after the ghastly The Navigator. A film so bad that we felt like we'd wasted money even though we'd got free tickets. It breaks my heart to see that the delicious John Cusack is associated with it.

New Zealand films appear to do badly on our list despiteour overwhelming adoration for the place. This time, however, the award didn't come lightly. Giving a Human Heart to Once Were Warriors was a source of much grief. The performances from the cast are astonishing, and their portrayal of urban Maori life affecting and important. But the cast are struggling against rank dialogue and a script which manipulates crassly and directs your anger towards the writer for wasting this opportunity. A film which had a duty todeliver a lot more than it can manage.

The only film that I have been willing to walk out of. Somebody, somewhere along the line, should have said, 'Enough'.

The English Patient (Matthew's choice - my review.)

Ralph Fiennes, a man who could make Aphrodite frigid. Does this man actually have no soul? The passion at the heart of this story is reduced to some dodgy Star Trek: Voyager style face masks, and a slightly worried looking Juliette Binoche. The desert goes cold as Fiennes limps his way across it - implausibly. Has nobody twigged yet that this man is shite? View: Wuthering Heights, Quiz Show, and The Avengers. Give it its due - The English Patient is an attractive film, and it was nice to see English people looking smug at the Oscars for once. But Lawrence of Arabia it ain't - and Anthony Minghella's real triumphs are, as yet, on TV, and the sublime Truly, Madly, Deeply. Though I am looking forward to the forthcoming The Talented Mr Ripley.

'This film it total shite.' (Matthew and Ian.) However, I didn't see it, so I am able to offer another award, if not much more of a review.

What Dreams May Come (My choice.)

Vincent Ward does it again. It was with horror that we realized that we were stuck on a plane from Sydney to Heathrow - and this was the only available entertainment. Cloying and annoying - and the special effects are shite. Tells you nothing about the human condition, though contributes greatly to the overall misery of humankind. Exactly the sort of film that Robin Williams shouldn't be allowed to make. Robin - you must know better. You've been in The Fisher King, Dead Poets' Society and Awakenings. Do you have some sort of recurring condition that periodically prevents you from having taste?

I have never come out of a film before feeling that I really needed a shower. Making films about taboo-breaking subjects is fine - but you need talent. Happiness starts well, but this vein of black humour lasts about fifteen minutes. Then the film collapses unpleasantly into voyeurism. Characters are reduced to ciphers at whom we are encouraged to point and laugh. Did someone not point out to director Todd Solondz that black comedy and satire need subtlety and awareness of one's own complicity in the events described? Mocking the afflicted is not the way to go about it. Sordid and unpleasant without making any good points, this film should have been called Nastiness.